Sunday, December 29, 2013

The gift of friendship

My little one has a best friend. At the tender age of 3. Last August, when we were visiting her child care center, another 2 year old little girl had just started. I watched as the teachers tenderly picked up Julia, speaking to her in both English and her native Portuguese, telling her that her mom would be back, and that she was safe. I think Yaoyao was watching too. And I think she felt compassion for this little one who felt sad that her mother had to work. Yaoyao knows how it feels to miss a mother. She understood Julia. I think that is when their connection started.
When Yaoyao started child care in September, I watched as she and Julia would look for each other at arrival time. When I would pick up, they would often be chasing each other and laughing. They were fast becoming friends.
It wasn't soon before the teachers would tell me that the two were inseparable. The teacher said they were best friends. They were always asking for each other. It was not to the exclusion of the other kids; others would easily join in on their play, but they clearly preferred each other.
Today, Julia turned 3. Her mother had told me that Yaoyao had to be at the party. Julia's party was at a splash park, and watching my sweet girl with her friend was something I won't easily forget. Yaoyao knows how to love and receive love. I have seen that over the past 6 months that she has been home. But, what I realized today, is that she knows how to FIND love. In the big world. At the age of 3.
Yaoyao watched her friend at all times. Her friend watched her. She would move away to be near her. At times, no words were even needed. The two just seemed to understand each other. I watched as Julia gently took Yaoyao's hand to guide her. And I watched as Yaoyao would smile at Julia as if there were some unsaid joke between just the two of them. I watched them squeal in excitement at seeing each other after spending the last week apart.
One of the most tender moments I witnessed between the two of them was as several children were eating some chocolate covered strawberries. Some of the chocolate fell off of Julia's strawberry, onto both her chin and shirt. Julia didn't seem to notice, but Yaoyao did. She reached over to her little friend, and gently wiped the chocolate off her chin using her fingers. She then took the piece that fell onto Julia's shirt and brought it to the trash. Julia looked into Yaoyao's eyes and smiled. I watched my sweet girl lovingly take care of her little friend. They understand each other. They cherish each other. They are best friends. What a gift.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Living thalassemia



Our little sweetness has been with us now for 6 months. Its unreal, really. Six months of days and nights with her. Six months of joy unimaginable.

Our little sweetness has thalassemia intermedia. Her sister Mia has thalassemia major. Thalassemia is a genetic anemia, very prevalent in Guangxi. Both parents must be carriers in order for a child to have it. Health care in rural Guangxi is so poor, substandard in so many ways. The only way to live with thalassemia is to have regular blood transfusions, and receive daily medication to remove the iron which becomes overloaded in the body as a complication from receiving the necessary transfusions. If a person receives transfusions, and does not receive the necessary daily medication, the iron builds up in vital organs such as the liver and heart. A published study looking at thalassemia in Guangxi suggests all children with the condition living in that region of China will not survive. 100% death rate by age 10. 100%. It's shocking. Sobering.

Here in the US, and in other countries with well developed health care, treating a child with thalassemia is relatively "easy". I don't mean it lightly, or to simplify it. But the treatment modality exists. There is access to a safe blood supply. There is knowledge of the potential reactions to a transfusion, so precautions can be taken. Transfusion medicine in the US has experts, who have devised appropriate tests and assessments to make quality of life easier. For the past two years, Mia has been receiving blood transfusions, specifically red blood cells, every three weeks. She is treated at Boston Children's Hospital, which is only 30 miles away. The transfusion takes up to 4-5 hours, depending on how anemic she is. And then we go home. She then wears an infusion pump 6 nights a week, for 10 hours at a time, to combat the iron overload. And we live life.

With thalassemia intermedia, it is a bit more complicated. Hannah produces some blood cells that help her anemia to "not be as bad" as Mia's. However, it comes at a cost to her little body. Her bone marrow works in overdrive to produce cells. Over time she will have physical complications. At this time, she can compensate and live with a Hemoglobin in the 7's. She can even grow and have energy while being this anemic. But, is it fair? The hematologists have said it is not worth it to have Hannah's body struggle. We should transfuse her with Mia, and allow her to live without taxing her body. This means that in the upcoming months she will need the medication, which will be by pump, because of transfusions. It has been a decision I have struggled with, and will likely revisit over and over again.

I am NOT a hero. I am NOT an angel. I am simply an ordinary person. A mother. I am just like everyone else who wanted the chance to raise children. I never thought I would be able to parent a child needing blood (yikes blood). I laugh at the funny things they say. I live to see them having fun. I get frustrated at stepping on the legos on the floor. I bolt out of bed wondering if I remembered to move the stupid elf at this time of year. I worry that I will have to see the NP on transfusion day who does not take any of my concerns seriously. I am grateful for our exceptional hematologist whose passion is kids like my girls. I wonder why God thought I would be the one best for them. I fear that my best will still fall short of what they need. I know that bickering drives me crazy, and watching them all play together brings tears of joy to my eyes. I love watching them learn and grow, and have hopes for a great future for all of them. Just because two of my children have serious medical conditions does not somehow put me in some different type of mothering category. As mothers, we do what our kids need. I am no different.

My baby girl has thalassemia, but it does not define her. This is why I have purposefully chosen not to reveal her condition on this blog until now. I hoped that everyone would see her as the beautiful child she is, not for her diagnosis. She brings smiles to faces of everyone. She brings happiness to young and old. There is a little boy with autism at the after school program where my older girls' attend. If he is there, and sees Hannah, the biggest smile comes across his face. She beams right back to him. She is special, and all can see it. And we are the lucky ones who get to be her family. We are the lucky ones who get to live alongside her.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

What a difference a year makes....

One year. Sometimes a year seems so long, and other times it seems so short. A year. A year ago I was struggling. Really, really, struggling. I had a dilemma, and wasn't sure which way to go. That dilemma was whether or not to step out in faith to adopt little Hannah Joy. Oh.My.Word. Just seeing that in print is enough to take my breath away. I cannot even FATHOM not having her today. What an incredible void in my life that would be, to not experience her presence. And yet, at that time, I wondered. Would I be enough? Could I do it? Single with 4? Was I nuts? How would the logistics work? Would I be completely over my head?

God knows. He knows what I need. He knew what would be best for me, for little Wanyao, and for my family. He would provide, and I need not worry. But, at the time, I worried. I obsessed. I agonized. I lost sleep. Here is a little of what I wrote a year ago:

The journey to Hua Wanyao started back in May 2012 when I was contacted by the orphanage to see if I could help find her a home. The orphanage knew she had a form of thalassemia, like one of my daughters. Over the months, the orphanage and I partnered to give her blood transfusions as much as possible within the rationing system due to the severe blood shortage. I began sharing her story with other adoptive families. Several thought they might be interested in her, but no one was able to commit. As the months progressed, I continued to look into her little face. I continued to pray that she would be chosen. Someone asked me if I had thought to become her mother. My thoughts stopped. What? How could this even be possible? Single with 4? So, I continued to pray. I enlisted dear friends to pray for her, and her family. And, as fall came, I started feeling like maybe He was questioning me. Leading me. Had I really thought of becoming her mother? Would it be completely crazy to add one more daughter? We only get one chance at life. I began praying more, and contacted my pastor and his wife. I trust them, and felt they would have an answer. They would know what I should do. Their answer, was to consider presenting my dilemma to our church family. On orphan Sunday.
On November 4, 2012, I stood up before my church and could not speak. I thought of author David Platt who says "orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. But once you do, everything changes." I thought of my three beautiful girls, gifts from Him, former orphans. I thought of Hua Wanyao and how I know her name. How I have spent hours looking at and praying for her sweet face for 6 months. Everything HAD changed. I explained to my church family I was not sure of what I should do. Or maybe I knew, but it seemed so complicated. My life is busy. Full. I felt comfortable with what I have. Does He call us to be comfortable? I know that answer. I tried to justify how I could not possibly be called to be her mother....my singleness, my finances, the number of my current children. Yet, He seemed to be asking me to trust. I expressed my fear and asked for prayers. Prayers for Hua Wanyao that her family would boldly step forward for her, and she would remain healthy while waiting. And that she would know that she is chosen not only by her family, but by Him. And prayers for me that I would have wisdom, clarity, and assurance that I would follow His perfect will, regardless of what others or society think I should or should not do.


There are days like today, that I am overcome by emotion by the depth of love I have for my youngest daughter. A little one who continues to amaze me with her bravery, courage, strength, and zest for life. I shudder at the thought of saying "no" to the chance for one last gift in the form of a daughter. To not see her beautiful smile. To not hear her infectious giggle. To not hold her tight when she says "I'm scared". To not have her to complete my family. Thanks to God for gently nudging me forward, so that I would say yes and experience the joy.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

This mama always comes back...

We live in such a broken world. A world where innocent children are impacted by poverty, governmental policies, and mothers who are unable to parent for variety of reasons...children needing more medical care than they could provide, mothers who are hardly able to care from themselves, let alone a baby, and mothers who have literally no supports from family, friends, or the community.
My sweet baby is anxiously attached. When I told a dear friend this recently, she remarked that she was told by a international adoption specialist that this is impossible until the child has been in the family for the same length of time that she was in a orphanage. I know this is not correct. I have lived this before. Yao Yao is my second child to display these symptoms, and I have two others escaped them. I have lived the velcro baby, who could not eat, sleep, or play without me. I have watched the velcro baby grow and become attached much more securely. So, I have walked this path before and am wiser for it.
Hannah Yaoyao's sleep continues to be a struggle. It is more than just a 2 year old struggling to fall asleep. Sleep comes so slowly to her, despite our painstaking routine which is followed every night. Once asleep, she will not sleep deeply. Instead, she wakes slightly to feel that I am still next to her. If I am not, it is a sheer panic that overcomes her. She bolts up, crying the most visceral, heartbreaking cry, saying "mama, mama" over and over. She thinks and feels that I am gone...
Every single day, she repeats to herself "mama always come back yao yao". Every.Single.Day. Sometimes she says this so many times a day that I lose count. In saying this, she has shared with me her fear. Her fear that I will not come back. That I will be gone. She has lived this before, perhaps falling asleep and waking up to find her birthmother gone. So she tries to reassure herself that this time will be different. She is trying to trust that I will be different. That I will ALWAYS come back for her. My guess is she will continue to tell herself this until she actually feels that it is true. There is a difference between thinking it and actually feeling it. She doesn't feel it yet. Until she does, I will do my best to help her to live a life where this mama always comes back.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Days of JOY


It's now been a little over 4 months since Hannah Joy Yao Yao joined our family. One third of a year seems so long and so short at the same time. The time has flown by, and we are now fully into our new normal. Maternity leave ended with the summer, and full time work has begun. Hannah has transitioned into a wonderful center based childcare where there is stability of teaching staff and peers (her teachers have been there 21 year and 7 years, which is incredible for people working in child care). Now, she loves it. The beginning days were tough for both of us, as she would cry silent tears when dropped off. At pick up, she always flashes her beautiful smile and comes running, exclaiming "mama always come back Yao Yao". With each passing day at her childcare, she experiences the return, and is getting more confident that mamas do indeed, come back.

Hannah has transitioned well to an American diet and gained 6 lbs since coming home. Her rate of language learning is incredible, as she speaks in short sentences. She can tell simple stories. A few days back, she went to child care with a head band and came home without it. I asked "what happened to your headband"? She said "fall down toilet. Off head. Splash. All wet. Yucky. Toilet paper. Get out." Priceless.

Hannah's sleep continues to be somewhat challenging, which was expected due to the transition to child care. Most nights, she is still restless. She will panic if she finds that I am not in the bed next to her, crying the most heartbreaking cries which stop the moment she hears my voice again. The scars of loss of her birth family, even if made in loving effort to give her a chance at life, still carry forward with her. As my 4th child through adoption, I acknowledge the reality of her abandonment and try to be mindful of her past experiences while hoping for continued healing of her sweet little heart.

Many people ask me "how do you do it?" (ie manage 4 kids as a single parent). This question really makes me laugh. Just do it. It's not an option to just sit around in bed all day. Life is for living, and I intend to do just that. Time flies by, and before I know it my children will be raised. So for now, we embrace the chaos. We laugh at Hannah's face covered in melted chocolate, and expect that times are going to be messy. Getting five of us out the door before 8:00 in the morning is a feat that always challenges and yet, we somehow do it. The laundry piles up, the floor gets sticky, and there is often a stray dirty sock under the kitchen table. But I wouldn't trade it. We find joy in all of these things, and in so much more, as we live our days together. Days of joy.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Two months of Hannah Joy


Two months. Sixtyish days. That is how long little Hannah has been a part of our family. It seems like a dream to think back upon how she walked bravely into our hotel room, took our hands, and never looked back. Over the past two months we have been learning more about this precious little one, who has been adjusting to her new life with us. It is so clear that she knew love, expects love, and gives love. The days where she was frozen with the insecurity of the unknown are being replaced by confidence which comes from routine and predictability. Her sweet smile permeates even hardened hearts. Her tiny voice brings a smile to all who hear it.


I think back to how fearful I was prior to her adoption. I worried about my capabilities of parenting four, the financial aspect, the logistics of 5 people living in a 2 bedroom condo, of our stable family unit being upheaved again, ect, ect, ect. All of this silly worry for nothing. He knew her, knew us, and knew how perfectly that she would fit. That we, all 5 of us, were MEANT to be family.


Hannah's days are filled with play. She loves being outside, playing with water or sand. She loves to push her doll stroller around with her panda in it. She loves helping, whether it is folding laundry or grabbing a wipe to help "wash" the floor. Hannah has a pure sense of kindness, asking "are you ok" if she sees anyone struggling. She will sometimes pat my back if I am holding her. She still loves to ride in the ergo carrier, and gently puts her head down. These moments are some of my most cherished with her. Hannah is learning english rapidly, and in just 6 weeks is able to use some 4 word phrases. "I love you more" is her favorite (and my favorite)! I love that she continues to use some of her Chinese too, tonight saying "Yao Yao shui jiao" (Yao Yao is her Chinese name, and shui jiao is go to sleep). Hannah loves to dance, moving her head from side to side. She is trying some new foods (she likes pizza) and loves if I cook some familiar Chinese foods. The littlest things excite her, such as driving through a tunnel. It has been so fun to see things through her eyes, and experience even the mundane in new ways with her.


Sleep times continue to be the most challenging for her. Although she no longer falls asleep sitting up, she is very, very restless. Sometimes it can take 90 minutes for her to fall asleep, the shortest time was 20 minutes. We keep a very consistent routine, but it is hard for her to settle. I think she might feel most insecure at bedtime, so she fights it. She is not upset, or crying. She lays down with her little head on my chest and wait for sleep to come. Once asleep, she will sleep through the night.


Hannah adores her sisters, and they adore her. They laugh and are silly with her. She always makes them smile as she calls each of their names or goes running to them when they've been apart. She imitates everything they do, and is learning so quickly.


As I think about two months with our newest family member and the deep love and gratitude I have for her, I can't help but consider the loss that her foster family and birth parents must feel. Her foster family loved and cared for her for a year, including the morning of the day she came to our family. Her birth family loved and cared for her for close to a year. I cannot even fathom not having her in our lives after such a short time as two months, or even after two minutes of meeting her. The girls and I are all richer for having her with us. She adds such joy. Such love. Such sweetness. How I hope that her birth family and foster family will somehow know my gratitude to them for giving her a foundation where she knows how to give and receive love. I hope that they know our girl is loved more than I ever thought possible. And how I pray that someday I can tell them this in person.

Monday, June 24, 2013

3 weeks

Three weeks ago today little Hannah walked into our lives and stole our hearts. She is one amazing, brave, sweet little toddler. Our trek home was 29 hours long, and involved airsickness...for 2 of the kids including Hannah. We brought sea bands hoping they would do the trick. What are sea bands you ask? Sea bands are a small, stretchy bracelet with a little "nub" of plastic which is centered on the wrist to provide accupressure. Ordinarily, these work very well for one said child with airsickness, however, the turbulence of our United flight from Shanghai proved to overpower even the sea bands. Other than the airsickeness and turbulence, the 29 hours were relatively uneventful. We made it home, so glad to see our beds, and unable to sleep due to the profound jetlag. Now, everytime I travel to China there is jet lag, always worse upon coming home, and somehow I seem to forget. It.Is.Brutal. One parent and 4 children all jet lagged. Children falling asleep in their dinner, or on random spots on the floor. Who am I kidding. Parent falling asleep in dinner or on random spots on the floor. But, jet lag does not last, and for the past two days we no longer wake up for lunch in the middle of the night. Despite jet lag, Hannah is really doing beautifully. She is a happy toddler much of the time. She continues to love eggs, ketchup, and chocolate. I think during my jet lagged state I gave her chocolate pudding for breakfast. I think I won her over with that move. She now loves her bath, and has been in a swimming pool showing her dare devil side by thinking she could swim and jumping right in. She is exerting some independence and digging her heals in at times, such as by refusing to come out of her car seat...typical toddler things. Her play skills are immature, and she has not found much interest in age appropriate things such as puzzles or her kitchen set. This is to be expected, and I am enjoying parenting a younger child. I know that these skills will come. Her favorite activity is water play, and pouring it from container to container. She loves helping, and will put food into the shopping cart at the supermarket, or help put laundry in the dryer. Hannah sleeps well all night, and no longer falls asleep sitting up. She misses her sisters when they are at school, and gives a huge smile when we pick them up at the end of the day. She is understanding and saying a huge amount of language. She will already say (spontaneously) "more" "help" "open" "done". She also continues to use some of her Mandarin phrases with us such as "bu yao" and "xi shou". Her little voice is so cute, whether she uses Mandarin or English. My house is pretty much a disaster, and chasing a toddler again is exhausting at times. But, the joy of having Hannah in our life is worth more than any clean house or even full rest. Despite it being only 3 weeks, we cannot imagine what our lives were like before her. And I don't think we could love her more than we already do.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Circle complete

Today is our last full day in China. We are scheduled to get Hannah's visa this afternoon, and will be leaving for Shanghai first thing tomorrow early (before daylight). I booked an overnight flight from Shanghai, China time, in order to help Hannah with being able to sleep on the flight home. She proved that she can, in fact, sleep on airplanes while on my lap on that infamous flight from Nanning to Guangzhou just a few days ago. I am hopeful that she will do well, or at least as well as any 2 year old who is confined to a large, moving piece of metal suspended in the sky for 16 hours. Who likes to move around. We are all feeling ready to get back home to our routines. Hannah seems to like hotel living, and I fear she thinks that every morning will be a 16 course breakfast like they serve here. Over the past few days, she has slowed down in the eating department. She has discovered her favorite breakfast food is....sugar. Ah, I can see my mother rolling her eyes even as I type it. So, I usually have a packet of sugar in my morning tea. Hannah has watched this for the past 10 days, and a few days ago decided it must be something good. So, I give her the end of the sugar packet, after I put it in my tea. She loves it. Tiny sugar crystals. The first day she put it on her chicken congee. The next day, right on her plate. It is likely less sugar than in cereals or juice, but there is something about eating plain sugar. At least there are no packets just calling to her on our kitchen table at home! Hannah is getting better with sleeping, or I should say we have established a routine which she knows, anticipates, and finds some comfort in. She no longer cries silently when she knows others are getting ready for bed. She follows me to my bed, and climbs up onto my lap. She will continue to sit there, on my lap, looking at me with her beautiful brown eyes. Pretty quickly, her eyes start to close, and she leans forward to put her head down on me. She then falls asleep. My thought is that once home she will not be sleeping in her beautiful crib anytime soon. Which is ok by me. I know that it goes by way too quickly. The older girls have all loved being in China. They love everything about it. They love the people trying to talk to them. They love the food. They love the buildings, the parks, the smells, and trying to cross the street like a human game of frogger. Hannah is afraid of water, as in pools of water. I am sure it is something she has never seen before she met us. She will watch her sisters swim and splash, and is content to do just that. Most days, she refuses to put her swim suit on. Even when we head to the jacuzzi, she is happy to just watch. We have been bathing her in the sink, and she is still tiny enough to fit. She is a great walker, just like her big sisters. We walked a good mile today, her little legs following right along. Even if I offered to pick her up, she preferred to keep on going. It's hard to believe that almost 2 weeks ago we came here as a family of four, and are leaving as a family of five. As a friend wisely said, "circle complete". We are coming home!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Thankful

It's official. In the eyes of the US government, Hannah is ours! We had our appointment at the US Consulate here in Guangzhou where her visa will be issued for her Chinese passport, and she will receive citizenship as soon as we land on US soil. Amazing. I met a mother at breakfast here in our hotel who had both biological and adopted children. As we were talking, I told her I thought that the stress of adoption paperwork, travel, ect equaled labor. She immediately smiled, and said it was HARDER. She said, having had children both by birth and adoption, the adoption "labor" was so much tougher. Knowing your child was on the other side of the world, and needing to wait and trust that she would be ok...and being powerless about everything is hard. Really hard. This 4th adoption process has been the hardest for me (and yet the adoption trip itself has been the easiest...at least so far). There was so much I had to just surrender, and trust. It was scary. It was scary to trust fully. I'm not even sure what I was most afraid of (being so outnumbered, wondering how we would all "gel" as a family of 5, time management, resources, ect) but there were many days when I knew it was just a matter of faith and I was being led. There were sleepless nights. There were times I wasn't even sure of what to pray. But friends listened and supported, and knew what to pray. People stepped forward. They offered resources for the adoption and for child care. They offered to take the girls out for a day so I could complete adoption paperwork. The support was overwhelming. A dear friend kept telling me, He sure wants this little one home, and God is moving mountains for this girl. So.very.true. This adoption happened in record time. Her file was locked Feb. 26th. My dossier was logged in March 1st. She was in my arms June 3rd. Friends who have adopted internationally, especially from China will understand the miracle in this. Receiving Hannah, I realize how silly it was to be so fearful. She is completely perfect for our family. She is the most easy going toddler I have ever met (and I work with toddlers!). She is so much fun. A friend once told me that her daughter is like her heart on the outside of her body. I feel that with Hannah. I knew she would be a gift, even through my fear. She would be my last chance to have a baby again. And yet this gift is so much better than I ever imagined or dreamed. At night, as she falls asleep in my arms, I can only thank and praise Him for giving me her. For choosing me, out of the thousands of families who are adopting, to be her mama. To hear her sweet voice and hold her tiny hand. To have her beautiful eyes look into mine before she closes them to sleep. To witness her transformation from somber, scared toddler into one filled with joy and happiness. He chose me for this, and the words thank you do not seem strong enough to express what I feel in my heart.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Guangxi sisters

Everywhere we go, people are asking me where the girls are from. I am being told again and again how miraculous it is for me to have 4 Guangxi girls. I know this is true. The odds of it happening without a miracle are nil. There are THOUSANDS of children on the special focus list. Thousands. From all over China. It is a miracle, and a gift, and I am incredibly grateful to Him for my daughters. Today, we had another free day and ventured to Shamian Island. How it has changed since I was first there almost 11 years ago. Most of the vendors are gone. The White Swan is no longer open. The crowds of people are gone. But still, it is a place we had to go. I have been there, walking those streets, during all of my other adoptions. So we went again today, taking a taxi. We had SO.MUCH.FUN. One of the vendors recognized me, her eyes wide as she counted my 4, and gave Hannah a special gift. The girls ran around, laughing and playing. As I watched my bigger girls take care of the smaller girls, I thought of what a special bond they will always share. Only orchestrated by my God who knew that the five of us needed each other. That we would become a family. Someday when I am gone, they will all have each other. They will always be family. They are sisters. And I have the privilege of being their mama. Thank you Lord for this incredibly special gift.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Hannah-isms

Tomorrow will be 1 week since our sweetness walked into our lives and stole our hearts. Each day we have been learning a little more about her. She continues to be quiet and serious most of the times, and when she smiles it is treasured. She seems to be taking everything in. She loves riding around on me in either the sling or ergo. The sling has been a bit cooler, so we have been using that a little more often. Hannah responds to both her English or Chinese name. She is a great eater, and loves eggs. She will hand me the chopsticks to feed her, and use another pair to feed herself. She likes to eat by sitting on my lap, and today enjoyed french toast with her eggs. She LOVES chocolate...yes she is my daughter! She loves ketchup, and will dip food into it just to lick it off. Hannah is pretty much toilet trained, but we have been keeping pull ups on her just in case. She consistently uses "da" (for done" when she finishes with the toilet, and has the sweetest little voice. She is so delicate, using her hands so daintily. Hannah is a peanut, wearing a solid 12 month old size clothing. She has pretty dry skin, and loves to have lotion put on. She has such soft hair. Her attention span is remarkable for a 2 year old...yesterday she spent over 45 minutes playing with some play dough with me. She has great imitation skills, and likes to copy what she sees us doing. She is great riding in the taxis or plane. Bedtime is the hardest for her. She knows when everyone is getting ready, and becomes very somber. However, she no longer cries silently. When put into bed with me, she sits up until she falls asleep. This has been so hard for me to see, as she fights going off to sleep and refuses to get comfortable. Last night, she allowed me to hold her on my lap and she eventually put her head onto my chest as I sat with her to fall asleep. Once asleep, she will sleep through the night. When she wakes up, she likes hanging out on the bed, watching her sisters. We have been giving her a bath in the sink, and she likes to help wash herself. She didn't mind having water poured over her head. She will try to brush her teeth. She likes wearing dresses, and loves her pretty shoes. Her feet are so little! When we are out in the stores, she likes to hold onto something but has no difficulties giving things back...except for M&M's! We've discovered that they just might be her favorite food!

Unexpected adventures

So, our departure from Nanning was nothing short of an unexpected adventure. Our dear friends came to take us to the airport, deciding to leave our hotel at 3:30pm for our 6:30pm flight. Traffic in Nanning has been heavier these days, with a subway system being developed. Our driver had a great minivan for all of us, so we sprawled out with our three friends, setting off for the hour drive to the airport. After about 10 minutes, the driver quickly pulls over. Van running hot. Need water (for the van, not for us). Everyone out of the van. Our van driver runs off to get a case of water. Phew. Situation looking better. After the driver and one of our friends tend to the van, they decide it needs a rest. We headed into a nearby bank to wait. Hannah loved it, playing peeking games with her sisters. Soon, it was time to get into our rested van and head to the airport. Only the van driver thinks that maybe it might be better to switch vans. My friends start asking me if I had ever missed a flight in China before, and what our details were for the adoption on Saturday in Guangzhou. Hmmm. I still wasn't too worried, However, it was getting late and traffic was heavy. Our driver decided we will in fact switch vans. Now, my friends are saying that we will have 20 minutes to get to our gate before it closes. With 4 kids. And Nana. And luggage. One mentions that maybe the flight will be delayed.... We make it to the airport, and our friends find out our flight is delayed, leaving at 7:30pm instead of 6:30pm. Phew. We say goodbye to our friends, get through security, and head to the gate. But, our flight isn't listed at the gate yet. Two other flights are. We settle in at the gate, after taking a walk, and chatting with the 2 other families who are also heading from Nanning to Guangzhou before heading home to the states. Soon, there are ALOT of people at the gate. Lots of loud talking, which I can't understand. We *think* that maybe the flight is delayed again, but can't be sure. Then, we see a meal cart being pushed through the airport. Surely, that isn't for us. The gate attendant says something across the loud speaker, and people start heading to another gate. Ugh, I should have tried harder at Chinese school! Our travelmates find out that the reason people sprinted to the other gate was for free meals, to compensate us for the inconvenience of our flight delay, which will now leave after 9:50pm. For 6 tired travelers, this gesture meant ALOT. We enjoyed our dinners and company. Yes, company. It was getting late, passengers were getting bored, and we were becoming a spectacle. Blond Caucasian with 4 gorgeous Chinese girls. In my broken Chinese, I could tell them the girls were my kids, and my mom was their grandmother. But, this led to more questions. I think I was asked if my husband was Chinese, and if we lived in Guangzhou or Nanning. I think there was something about the girls' father having black hair. And maybe why they didn't have blue eyes. We all laughed as we tried our best to communicate in our own languages. People started taking pictures. I tried to mime. More laughing. But it was really starting to get late, and soon I had children falling asleep on the floor. Sometime after 10:00pm, we were allowed to get onto a plane, which we were told was delayed from stormy weather in Beijing. Sitting on that plane was a gift by that point, and we don't even know how long we had to sit on the runway because we all fell asleep. At some point we took off, landed, and got ourselves to the front of the plane to see that we were parked on the tarmac. At 1:00am. With 4 children. And Nana. I'm.not.kidding. Luckily, no one wiped out on the stairs leading off the plane (Mia had an incident falling off the bus stairs at school this year so this was a real possibility), and we made it on another bus to the terminal to find our guide. We made it to our hotel around 1:30pm, to the softest beds I think possible. Hello Guangzhou. What an adventure. And we would do it all again for our littlest sweetness, Hannah Joy Wanyao.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Bittersweet goodbyes

Tonight is our last night in Guangxi, and thinking about it brings about waves of enormous gratitude and sadness. This place holds such a special place in my heart for me, beginning almost 11 years ago when I first became a mother. Since that time in 2002, I have been blessed with the three other adoptions from here, including this one of sweet Hannah. I have also had the opportunities to work alongside incredible friends who take care of some of the most fragile of lives. I have been given so many gifts by the people of this beautiful region of China, including the most precious gift of raising 4 daughters. I am humbled that God would choose me as the mother to these amazing little girls. And so, it is hard for me to leave, to say goodbye. And in some ways a piece of me always remains here. Tomorrow we head to Guangzhou to begin the next phase of the adoption. This week completed the Chinese part of the adoption. In China's eyes, Hannah Joy Wanyao is ours. Tomorrow, I will receive her Chinese passport to bring to Guangzhou so she can have a US visa. In Guangzhou, the paperwork will be recognized by the US Consulate so that Hannah will be a US citizen and my daughter. We are then free to fly home. I know once I arrive in Guangzhou, I will feel ready to come home. But for now, my heart breaks to leave the place with so many cherished memories. And yet, it is time. It is time to begin the next phase of our journey. Hannah continues to amaze us all with her spirit and adjustment. She is a beautiful child, with both inner and outer beauty. She is such a gentle soul. Her smiles are becoming a bit more frequent. She is understanding language at a rapid pace. Yesterday, she started answering "da" when asked if she was "all done". Today, she said "bye bye" when her sisters went to the pool. She is following simple directions like "give to Mama" or "put in the trash". When I asked her if she wanted to see her sisters, she shook her head yes. Only three days of english. It is nothing short of amazing. She has a nice attention span, and persists with tasks for long time without getting frustrated. When we are out in public, she continues to show anxiety and caution and finds comfort with being held in the sling or ergo carrier. She will not look at people if they address her. I try to tell them she is still scared, and all of this is so new. Her nighttime routines are still the most difficult. When she knows it is time for sleep, her eyes fill up and spill over. Silently. It is heartbreaking. But I know that this is normal grieving, and all we can do is be there with her as she goes through it. So tonight, my prayer includes thanksgiving for these lives that I am gifted with, and gratitude for the people who gave them life. I am so grateful to be forever connected to this amazing country, especially to our beloved Guangxi. And I hope and pray that one day He will give us the chance to return. Until then, we will hold this place close to our hearts. .

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Party of 5

We've finally got the VPN to work, so hope to be able to post about the past few days. At 3;30pm on Monday June 3rd, Hannah Joy Wanyao joined our family. She walked quietly into our hotel room, with orphanage staff and our guide. She was very cautious and reserved, but also seemed to know what was going on (a few weeks ago we mailed a simple book to her which explained what was happening). She sat on our floor, with her big sisters and I joining her as the orphanage staff explained the best ways to take care of her. She watched as her sisters blew some bubbles. We learned that she left her foster family that morning, then drove 4 hours to get to us in Nanning. She is incredibly brave. And delicate and dainty. Hannah watched as the orphanage staff left, cautiously eating some kix cereal. She would take tiny bites of each little kix, watching all of us. We went down for dinner, and she refused to eat anything. She continued to nibble on the kix. She refused her bottle. At night time, she began to cry, calling "mama" for her foster mom in the most heartbreaking voice. We learned that she in mostly toilet trained, and she asked to go to the bathroom. Once back from the bathroom, she sat silently on the bed next to me (she is used to sleeping with her foster mom), clutching her little doll and toy bottle. It took a while for her to fall asleep, and she refused to lay down. She began to fall asleep sitting, and I could gently lay her down. She woke up after several hours, and had some water. Again, she wanted to sit up and soon began to fall asleep. The next morning was when we completed the adoption procedures here in Guangxi. She is now officially a member of our family according to China. Hannah likes being in the sling or ergo carrier, and knows it means we are going out when she sees it. There is no better feeling than when she puts her little head down on me while riding in the carrier. She continues to be very quiet and stoic, just taking everything in. She will play a little bit. She likes eating eggs, and bread. She also loves snacks. She is teeny, fitting nicely in 12 month size clothes. She is very gentle with everything she does. After she finishes going to the bathroom, she says "da" in such a soft voice, which I am thinking means "done". She has the saddest silent cry which makes the rest of us cry. Our sweet little Hannah has been through more in the past 48 hours than many adults have been through in their lifetime. We are all happy to stand by her as she takes the time she needs to grieve her loss. We all absolutely adore her, and already cannot imagine life without her. We are incredibly blessed to have been given the privilege of this sweet baby girl.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Planes, trains, and people movers

We arrived in Hong Kong late last night, and now are about 24 hours away from meeting baby Hannah. Our trip was interesting, made a little more challenging due to my, um, germ phobias and the other flight passengers who were very reluctant to trade their desirable aisle or window seats. More on that later. As we stood in the airports, I saw thousands and thousands of people from all over the world. And the girls, in their excitement, must have checked out every single bathroom in every single airport. Touched every single counter or railing we approached. And, I later witnessed nail biting and hands in mouth while in airports. Oh.My. It was enough to almost bring on angina. No amount of purell I gave them was enough, since they would go right back to touching everything in site in each airport. Next time? I am going require gloves for all of them. This might generate even more stares and open mouth postures from people as they watch a Caucasian mother with three beautiful Asian girls. Just wait until I have 4 little girls with me. I can only imagine . Our airport experiences were complicated by delays in each phase of our travel. We boarded the plane at Logan, only to taxi out and hear the engines become quiet. Not a good sign. Pilot comes on and says that despite the weather being perfect from flying in both Boston and Newark (our destination layover before flying to Hong Kong), we were required to wait. Maybe too many other planes. Didn't matter. Waited on runway for over 30 minutes. Arrived in Newark, and found our gate, only to be told that our plane went to a different terminal, and would be delayed from taking off. Ah, now looking at about 26 hours of travel. I could see the fear in my fellow passengers' face as they watched my children practicing dance moves, gymnastic tricks, and riding the people mover as if it were an amusement ride, wondering who would be the lucky ones to sit next to them. See, the flight was VERY full, and NONE of our seats were together. Not one. All middle seats. I asked at the customer service desk to try to place us at least near each other. No luck. Full flight we were told. Asked the flight attendants. No luck full flight. Said one of my kids might get motion sickness. Still no luck. We all took our assigned seats. Finally a window of hope! Flight attendants saw the look of panic upon the faces of my children and started offering "extras" if they would move to allow 2 to sit together, and then the other 3. One man said he would move if he got the 2 seater. Done said flight attendant. One was promised extra snacks. Done. Another passenger said she would take my undesirable middle seat so I could at least be diagonally across. It didn't need to happen because as the final passenger got onto the flight and saw his seat occupied by a little one, said "this family needs to stay together, I will move". Thank you God. Finally, we are ready to take off, or so we all thought. But, no taxi-ing. No movement. Pilot comes onto say that a passenger for our flight did not pass immigration, and they needed to open the plane back up to get that person's luggage out. I couldn't make this up, even if I wanted to. After another hour or so, we were off. I think our pilot was speeding, because we still made it to Hong Kong only an hour after original landing time. By that point, we were all feeling like it was morning and not evening, as it was in Hong Kong. We took the airtrain to immigration, had temperature checks (and passed, phew, after all of that hand in mouth behavior), and went to baggage claim to see all of our luggage. Hooray! We have clean clothes! We got into our hotel to find two oversized beds in our room, giving a much more enjoyable sleep than the sleep on the plane packaged as sardines. Maybe the word "sleep" isn't quite the word to use. Naps, more like it. So, we have all napped off and on for the past 12 hours and are ready to go. We will meet some friends here to swim today, and head out late afternoon to fly to Nanning. I actually can't believe that it is almost here. But soon it will be, and baby Hannah will join our crazy family, and likely be following right along in her big sisters' footsteps.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Grace and favor

This was the first photo sent to me, just a little over a year ago. Her name is Wanyao, and her eyes in the photo looked deep into my soul. She needed a family. Could it be us? Her paperwork hadn't even been started, and I already had a full life. I thought of every excuse to try to say "no, it can't be us". Yet as I got to know her by looking at this photo, I couldn't help but see her sadness. Her longing. Her fear. Her potential. The gift of her to my family. I looked and prayed over her sweet little photo for hours and hours and hours. For months. Seeking clarity. And then deciding to take the jump, praying that the net would appear. The net appeared, and tomorrow morning, we leave to bring this little sweetness home. Little Hannah Joy Wanyao, whose name means "grace and favor". An incredibly special name for an incredibly special baby girl who will remind me every day of the gifts of grace and favor, while filling our lives with joy.