What a difference a year makes....

One year. Sometimes a year seems so long, and other times it seems so short. A year. A year ago I was struggling. Really, really, struggling. I had a dilemma, and wasn't sure which way to go. That dilemma was whether or not to step out in faith to adopt little Hannah Joy. Oh.My.Word. Just seeing that in print is enough to take my breath away. I cannot even FATHOM not having her today. What an incredible void in my life that would be, to not experience her presence. And yet, at that time, I wondered. Would I be enough? Could I do it? Single with 4? Was I nuts? How would the logistics work? Would I be completely over my head?

God knows. He knows what I need. He knew what would be best for me, for little Wanyao, and for my family. He would provide, and I need not worry. But, at the time, I worried. I obsessed. I agonized. I lost sleep. Here is a little of what I wrote a year ago:

The journey to Hua Wanyao started back in May 2012 when I was contacted by the orphanage to see if I could help find her a home. The orphanage knew she had a form of thalassemia, like one of my daughters. Over the months, the orphanage and I partnered to give her blood transfusions as much as possible within the rationing system due to the severe blood shortage. I began sharing her story with other adoptive families. Several thought they might be interested in her, but no one was able to commit. As the months progressed, I continued to look into her little face. I continued to pray that she would be chosen. Someone asked me if I had thought to become her mother. My thoughts stopped. What? How could this even be possible? Single with 4? So, I continued to pray. I enlisted dear friends to pray for her, and her family. And, as fall came, I started feeling like maybe He was questioning me. Leading me. Had I really thought of becoming her mother? Would it be completely crazy to add one more daughter? We only get one chance at life. I began praying more, and contacted my pastor and his wife. I trust them, and felt they would have an answer. They would know what I should do. Their answer, was to consider presenting my dilemma to our church family. On orphan Sunday.
On November 4, 2012, I stood up before my church and could not speak. I thought of author David Platt who says "orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. But once you do, everything changes." I thought of my three beautiful girls, gifts from Him, former orphans. I thought of Hua Wanyao and how I know her name. How I have spent hours looking at and praying for her sweet face for 6 months. Everything HAD changed. I explained to my church family I was not sure of what I should do. Or maybe I knew, but it seemed so complicated. My life is busy. Full. I felt comfortable with what I have. Does He call us to be comfortable? I know that answer. I tried to justify how I could not possibly be called to be her mother....my singleness, my finances, the number of my current children. Yet, He seemed to be asking me to trust. I expressed my fear and asked for prayers. Prayers for Hua Wanyao that her family would boldly step forward for her, and she would remain healthy while waiting. And that she would know that she is chosen not only by her family, but by Him. And prayers for me that I would have wisdom, clarity, and assurance that I would follow His perfect will, regardless of what others or society think I should or should not do.

There are days like today, that I am overcome by emotion by the depth of love I have for my youngest daughter. A little one who continues to amaze me with her bravery, courage, strength, and zest for life. I shudder at the thought of saying "no" to the chance for one last gift in the form of a daughter. To not see her beautiful smile. To not hear her infectious giggle. To not hold her tight when she says "I'm scared". To not have her to complete my family. Thanks to God for gently nudging me forward, so that I would say yes and experience the joy.