This mama always comes back...

We live in such a broken world. A world where innocent children are impacted by poverty, governmental policies, and mothers who are unable to parent for variety of reasons...children needing more medical care than they could provide, mothers who are hardly able to care from themselves, let alone a baby, and mothers who have literally no supports from family, friends, or the community.
My sweet baby is anxiously attached. When I told a dear friend this recently, she remarked that she was told by a international adoption specialist that this is impossible until the child has been in the family for the same length of time that she was in a orphanage. I know this is not correct. I have lived this before. Yao Yao is my second child to display these symptoms, and I have two others escaped them. I have lived the velcro baby, who could not eat, sleep, or play without me. I have watched the velcro baby grow and become attached much more securely. So, I have walked this path before and am wiser for it.
Hannah Yaoyao's sleep continues to be a struggle. It is more than just a 2 year old struggling to fall asleep. Sleep comes so slowly to her, despite our painstaking routine which is followed every night. Once asleep, she will not sleep deeply. Instead, she wakes slightly to feel that I am still next to her. If I am not, it is a sheer panic that overcomes her. She bolts up, crying the most visceral, heartbreaking cry, saying "mama, mama" over and over. She thinks and feels that I am gone...
Every single day, she repeats to herself "mama always come back yao yao". Every.Single.Day. Sometimes she says this so many times a day that I lose count. In saying this, she has shared with me her fear. Her fear that I will not come back. That I will be gone. She has lived this before, perhaps falling asleep and waking up to find her birthmother gone. So she tries to reassure herself that this time will be different. She is trying to trust that I will be different. That I will ALWAYS come back for her. My guess is she will continue to tell herself this until she actually feels that it is true. There is a difference between thinking it and actually feeling it. She doesn't feel it yet. Until she does, I will do my best to help her to live a life where this mama always comes back.

Days of JOY

It's now been a little over 4 months since Hannah Joy Yao Yao joined our family. One third of a year seems so long and so short at the same time. The time has flown by, and we are now fully into our new normal. Maternity leave ended with the summer, and full time work has begun. Hannah has transitioned into a wonderful center based childcare where there is stability of teaching staff and peers (her teachers have been there 21 year and 7 years, which is incredible for people working in child care). Now, she loves it. The beginning days were tough for both of us, as she would cry silent tears when dropped off. At pick up, she always flashes her beautiful smile and comes running, exclaiming "mama always come back Yao Yao". With each passing day at her childcare, she experiences the return, and is getting more confident that mamas do indeed, come back.

Hannah has transitioned well to an American diet and gained 6 lbs since coming home. Her rate of language learning is incredible, as she speaks in short sentences. She can tell simple stories. A few days back, she went to child care with a head band and came home without it. I asked "what happened to your headband"? She said "fall down toilet. Off head. Splash. All wet. Yucky. Toilet paper. Get out." Priceless.

Hannah's sleep continues to be somewhat challenging, which was expected due to the transition to child care. Most nights, she is still restless. She will panic if she finds that I am not in the bed next to her, crying the most heartbreaking cries which stop the moment she hears my voice again. The scars of loss of her birth family, even if made in loving effort to give her a chance at life, still carry forward with her. As my 4th child through adoption, I acknowledge the reality of her abandonment and try to be mindful of her past experiences while hoping for continued healing of her sweet little heart.

Many people ask me "how do you do it?" (ie manage 4 kids as a single parent). This question really makes me laugh. Just do it. It's not an option to just sit around in bed all day. Life is for living, and I intend to do just that. Time flies by, and before I know it my children will be raised. So for now, we embrace the chaos. We laugh at Hannah's face covered in melted chocolate, and expect that times are going to be messy. Getting five of us out the door before 8:00 in the morning is a feat that always challenges and yet, we somehow do it. The laundry piles up, the floor gets sticky, and there is often a stray dirty sock under the kitchen table. But I wouldn't trade it. We find joy in all of these things, and in so much more, as we live our days together. Days of joy.